Beautiful Oleg and Ugly Amanita
Leader:A long time ago.
Chorus:A long time ago!
Leader:A long time ago, there lived a beautiful man named Oleg.He was so beautiful, that he had women fighting in the streets to marry him. But he was too beautiful for any woman on Orchidea, and so he stayed at his ranch and bred his oolongs.
Chorus:And bred his oolongs!
Leader:One day, his favorite oolong sire ran off into the forest, so Oleg tracked him.Oleg climbed through the oak’s sprawling branches.”
Chorus: do the accompanying action
Leader:And Oleg pulled himself through the banyans’ legs.
Chorus: do the accompanying action
Leader:And Oleg leaped through the leafy canopy.
Chorus: do the accompanying action
Leader:Every time he caught a glance of his oolong, the creature spurred faster away.”
Chorus:The oolong spurred faster away.
Leader:One evening, as Oleg grew weary of chasing the oolong, he came upon a burrow dug beside a corral.The corral was thick with flaming bougainvillea canes and grew directly from the ground up and around in a huge circle.
Chorus:A flaming thorny circle, thought Oleg.
Leader:A flaming thorny circle, thought Oleg.What a brilliant idea.This rancher must be the smartest rancher on all Orchidea!This rancher grew his own corral.It’s beautiful, but the thorns keep the oolongs inside and the jungle beasts outside.This rancher must be the smartest rancher on all Orchidea! (wink) For all of Oleg’s beauty, he wasn’t very smart himself, and he had forgotten that he’d already said --
Chorus and Leader: This rancher must be the smartest rancher on all Orchidea.
Leader:While Oleg stood there, lost in thought, his oolong clambered up the side of the bougainvillea branches and leaped over the top into the corral. OY! cries Oleg.
Chorus:Oy!
Leader:Oy! Come back here!And Oleg sat down to think how to get his favorite oolong sire out of the flaming thorny circle.Who’s that yelling outside my door? Came a voice from inside the burrow.It be me, Oleg the Beautiful.My oolong climbed over your flaming thorny circle and now I can’t think how to get him out.Oleg thought for a comshell then exclaimed with inspiration, Can you help?
I am Ugly Amanita. I can help you get your sire back, but it will cost you, came the voice.
I have money, Oleg agreed.
I don’t want your money, the voice replied.
I have hen-oolongs, Oleg offered.
I have four hen-oolongs, so I don’t need your females, the voice answered.
Well, if you don’t want my money, and you don’t want my hens, what do you want?Oleg stood up, because sometimes it was easier for him to think standing up than sitting down.
Chorus:When he was sitting down, he tended to go to sleep.
Leader:I want you for my husband, came the voice.Oleg was glad he was standing, because he really needed to think about what the voice had said. Can you repeat that? He asked.
Chorus:I want you for my husband.
Leader:That’s what I thought you said, said Oleg.But why?
The voice replied, On Orchidea, there are more women than men, and more hen-oolongs than sires. I want children, and can’t do that without having a husband.I want my hens to lay eggs, and they can’t do that without a sire.
Well, thought Oleg, that makes sense.But how will this help me get my sire back?”
Why don’t you come inside and I’ll explain it to you? Came the voice.
Chorus:Why don’t you come inside and I’ll explain it to you?
Leader:It looks awfully dark in there, Oleg said fearfully. Why don’t you come out here?
Nay, said the voice.I don’t want you to see my face.
Why not?Pondered Oleg aloud.
Because I’m not beautiful. My name is Ugly Amanita for a reason.
That’s alright, I’m beautiful enough for both of us, soothed Oleg.
Alright then, I’ll come out.And she did.Never before had Oleg seen a more hideous woman in his entire life, nor his previous lives, going all the way back around his karmic regenerations.
Chorus:She was hideous!
Leader:She had silky golden hair flowing in braids.
Chorus:From her armpits!”
Leader:And supple breasts.
Chorus:Hidden beneath the folds of her obese body!
Leader:Her lips were the color of rose petals.
Chorus:But the shape of a sicrethin’s ass.
Leader:(to keep things rated PG13, the leader needs to do something to make this phrase unheard– sips from a mug, cough or sneeze, make the mike squeek, have fun with this!!)
Chorus:You’d need to leave breadcrumbs to find your way back out!
Leader:It was too much for poor Beautiful Oleg.He couldn’t think fast enough.So Oleg ran.
Oleg ran out of the compound.
Chorus: do the accompanying action
Leader:And Oleg leaped through the leafy canopy
Chorus: do the accompanying action
Leader:And Oleg pulled himself through the banyans’ legs.
Chorus: do the accompanying action
Leader:And Oleg climbed through the oak’s sprawling branches.
Chorus: do the accompanying action
Leader:And Beautiful Oleg made it safely home.
Chorus: do the accompanying action
Leader:But Oleg had no sire for his hen-oolongs, and soon his herd grew thin.But more than anything else-
Chorus and Leader: Oleg missed his sire!
Songs and Stories from A Filker’s Companion to Bedina’s War
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